Monday, August 13, 2007

i know i'm seriously supposed to be catching up with all the readings and tutorials..


i know there are somethings which need to be done, but i'm not doing them..


i know that somethings that should be gotten rid of from my head, but i kept harping on them..


as much as i want to capture those memories, they seem to slowly fade away.. its the obvious wrong thing to do, but i want to.. roomie says she wants to walk back to hall and sleep.. mi too. somehow year1 sem1 and 2 are the best periods... we're all so innocent and carefree... tears of course, but i can't deny the treasured, wonderful happy moments too.. i miss those times..


met up with an old friend recently... things seem so familiar, yet so strange.. every attempt to strike a conversation, somehow seemed unnatural... or is this the true natural self? perhaps we were not that close to start with, i tell myself.. that's why this is the max it can go.. this is it.. but if i think back a little deeper, how not close would we be? imagine stayovers at my place, though its just that once.. how about being able to confide almost every detail, the little secrets we share.. were we really not that close? i'm not sure of myself either, the vague lines are starting to become clear.. i am contradictory.. why yearn for it on one hand, and when things happen, i just couldn't handle it well enough.. its a lost friendship, but it should be a rekindled one after so long.. he asked me, if i still treasure this friend. my answer is a definite yes.. no matter what...


i'm selfish.. my thoughts consuming.. and i shouldn't let the devil take over.. sometimes, the selfishness creeps in, and i lose myself.. or at least i feel, i'm losing myself recently... nice old friends, people whom i used to talk to so often, people who love me for who i am, people whom i feel for, people who i care, but i don't seem to bother.. not bother in the sense of not contacting? but i feel the ache inside.. the kind of gan ga-ness.. i don't like it. its not supposed to be this way.. but my life now, seemed to be pathed this way... do i have a choice? to love, is to bring happiness to each other.. but i don't seem to be bring happiness, misery more of it.. i miss the old buddies, i miss the people whom i call friends.. i miss the people, whom i used to confide in so much.. i miss those, who would always drop a smile at me.. i miss those, who would always tell me, they are here for me..


wanping dropped me a msg today.. was so happy.. she gave me a missed call while i was sleeping so sorry... but wanted to say that u are one of those on the miss list too.. all of evofus.. all of u..


i'm not very matured.. my thought are still somewhere stopped between sec school and jc.. and i don't wish to move on.. i don't want to be forward-looking.. but my past-looking-ness has resulted in unhappiness in the both of us.. i don't want to be left alone.. but sometimes, i feel i deserve it.. really..


i want my lost friends back.. but why ain't i even putting in effort? u understand that kind of helpless feeling? scold me.


daddy entered the room while i was typing this entry... its really at the brim already.. daddy came in, dropped a sentence.. " daddy's leaving tomorrow morning.. must take care of yourself and joyjoy ok..daddy will drop you messages every night if possible.." i teared. i try to hide them.. not wanting to let daddy worry.. but, they just rolled down.. i know i must be strong.. and i will be... i know i can tide over this.. =)



                                                                                                          
                                                                                                             Written @ 11:57 PM

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